Author's Note: Starting with this chapter, I am going to have parts throughout the story where I will narrate in Jacob's POV. This chapter starts with Bella's POV, then Jake's POV will be the last part of this chapter. I have noted in parenthesis where his POV starts.
Also, because I had a hard time trying to get into Jacob's head, I had a few pre-readers for this chapter. Thanks to tayjayfan, Kraftychik and CeeCee for their help on this! :D
Saturday dawned bright and early, as if mocking my internal gloom. As soon as I was aware of the sun peeking in through my windows, I simply rolled over and tugged the covers over my head, blocking out all of the light. I wasn’t ready to get up and face the world, like I had tried to convince myself I would do the night before.
I had grieved too much, making my body hurt in places I knew would be all too visible to people like Charlie. The grief had spurred a fitful sleep, full of painful dreams and endless tossing. It was a wonder that I hadn’t cried out in my sleep the way I used too. I knew I had not because I didn’t remember Charlie ever waking me up once, the way he had those months after Edward had left.
Still, I knew he had to be home now, hopefully fast asleep after a long night of work. As I continued to lay there, listening to the silence of the house, I was glad that I didn’t have anywhere to be, no reason to get up until I was ready.
Unfortunately fate seemed to have been listening to my private thoughts since my cell phone immediately began to ring. With a groan, I rolled over and stuck my hand out towards the nightstand, feeling around until I clasped it in my hand to bring it back under the covers with me. I blinked in confusion as I realized it was Angela calling me.
“Hello?” I said, after accepting the call, grimacing at the way my voice came out sounding scratchy.
“Bella, hi! Sorry to call you so early on a Saturday!” came her anxious sounding voice.
“It’s okay, what’s up Ang?”
“Um, I know this is so last minute, but I was wondering if you were free today? I have all of these graduation invitations that I need to get done and mailed by Monday, but mom can’t help me today! So, would you be willing to help out? I’m prepared to bribe you…I’ll even bribe Jacob so I can borrow you for today!”
At Jacob’s name, my throat constricted and the gaping hole in my chest throbbed unmercifully. God, I thought, it’s happening again, isn’t it? I’m going to become a zombie again.
I cleared my throat in order to answer Angela. “No, it’s okay. He’s…busy today so I can go over and help you out. Um, what time do you want me to be there?”
“Really? Oh thanks so much Bella! How about in an hour? I’ll even have breakfast in the form of bagels and coffee waiting for you!”
I had to smile at her desperation, despite the pain I was in. I knew it would be much better for me to get out and do something instead of dwelling on something I couldn’t change.
“Okay I’ll see you in an hour then.”
“Cool! Thanks again for doing this, Bella! I’ll owe you big!”
“Don’t worry about it Ang.”
We said our byes before I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed next to me. I laid there for a little longer staring up at the ceiling, doing my best not to think about last night. I simply gazed numbly at the sunlight playing over the ceiling, trying to get the gumption to get out of bed so I could prepare myself to head over to Angela’s.
It wasn’t until I heard Charlie’s door open that I finally dragged myself out of bed while inwardly giving myself a little pep talk. I would go on with my life. I was not going to become the girl I was before. I would not fall back into such a pitiful, zombie-like state the way I had before. I would be a new person, a stronger person…and I would do this all on my own.
By the time I had finished the pep talk, I had gathered all of the things I needed to take a shower with. As I opened my door to head to the bathroom, Charlie had just been raising his hand to knock on my door.
Giving me a sheepish grin, he said, “Morning Bella. I was just going to let you know I’m headed over to Billy’s to pick him up for a bit of fishing since I’m off today. He’s been griping that I don’t spend time with him anymore.”
I had to laugh at the way he rolled his eyes at his statement. “Right, he’s nagging you like the pair of old biddies you are.”
Charlie gave me a mock wide-eyed stare. “Us? Old biddies? Nope, but I’m going anyway. Just wanted to tell you not to worry about dinner again tonight because I’m going over to Sue’s later.”
This time I raised an eyebrow at him. “Sue’s? You’ve been spending a lot of time over there lately.”
I hid the smile that threatened to come out the moment I saw the blush steal over Charlie’s face. “I-it’s not what you’re thinking! It’s just…well, she’s needed a lot of help with some things around the house and since Harry was my friend, I just…well, I just thought I’d lend a hand.”
I nodded. “Okay, dad, no problem. I’m actually getting ready to head over to Angela’s right now. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there, but I’ll keep you informed of my whereabouts, okay?”
He smiled. “Works for me. See you later, honey.”
With that, he went down the stairs and I went to take my shower.
*****************************************
Angela and I had been sitting on the floor of her room working on putting the invitations into envelopes, then writing addresses on them for about an hour when she brought up the subject of Prom.
“It’s going to be so much fun, you know! Tell me you and Jacob are going this year, Bella!”
I sighed, ignoring the throbbing pain in my torso. “I don’t think so, Angela. It’s not really our thing.”
She frowned. “You don’t have to dance, you know. Just go and hang out with all of us. It’s our last hurrah before we go our separate ways.”
I shrugged. “I know, but it’s just not us.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the real reason I wasn’t going with Jacob was because we were no longer together. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about what had happened between us. No, it was better to just move on to an easier subject.
“The only reason I went last year was because Alice and Edward wouldn’t let up about it. But this year, I can make up my own mind and I don’t really want to go. It’s really not worth it to me, Angela. I can always hang with you guys some other time, in more comfortable clothes and surroundings too.”
I said the last with a wink, hoping it would be enough to placate her.
It worked.
She giggled before nodding. “Okay, okay, I get it. I know how you are about having to dress up like that. I remember listening to you grumble about it for weeks afterwards. You kept telling us Alice made you feel like a dress-up doll.”
“Well, she did!” I laughed. “And I had a cast on my foot, mind you! You have no idea how frustrating that was!”
“Hm, well if the looks you kept shooting Alice all night were any indication, I think I get it.”
We both laughed again before she got serious again. “Um, not to bring up a sore subject, but have you talked to Alice since they left so suddenly?”
I nodded. “Actually I have. We send each other emails from time to time and I’ve talked to her on the phone. She’s doing good she says, so’s the family. She says she may come see me graduate though, so maybe I’ll see her then.”
“Really? Oh that’ll be good then.” She paused for a bit, but I knew what she was going to ask.
“It’s okay Angela. I can talk about him. Alice says Edward is doing fine too and I’m glad, but I’ve chosen not to talk to him and he’s agreed to leave me alone.”
“Was it…is it because of Jacob?” she hesitantly asked.
I shook my head, once again ignoring the pain in my chest. “No. I asked Edward to leave me alone so that I could get over him. I needed closure I guess. This was before Jacob and I started dating, although Alice told me that he was aware that I had started dating Jake.”
She nodded. “Well, at least you can still talk to Alice.”
I smiled. “Yeah, I’ve talked to Esme and Carlisle too and Alice usually keeps me up to date on what everyone else is doing, so it’s all good.”
“Good,” she replied. “I’m glad they’re okay.”
We went back to working on the invitations, turning our conversation to other easy subjects. I was glad Angela didn’t push the Prom anymore, plus she didn’t really mention much about Jacob again. It made it easier to enjoy my time with her which meant it went faster than I would have thought.
We stopped long enough to have some sandwiches for lunch before going to finish up the rest of the invitations. By the time all of them were done, our fingers were nearly numb and stained with ink. Still, I had enjoyed spending most of the day with her since it had put me in a better mood.
That good mood lasted as I said good-bye to her sometime later that afternoon and headed back home. As I approached my house, Charlie’s cruiser was gone, so I knew he was still with Billy or Sue. Yet, in the place of the cruiser was something that made my good mood disappear as the pain in my chest reared its ugly head again.
Jacob Black stood next to his bike, shifting from foot to foot, watching me slowly park my truck next to the bike.
I put the truck into park and shut it off, all without looking up at him. Last night I had told him to leave. I had hoped that he would understand what that had meant. Didn’t he get that it was over between us, that I couldn’t be with him while that thing he called imprinting remained between us?
Apparently not, because now he was there opening my door as I removed my seatbelt. “We need to talk,” he said, before stepping back to allow me some space to get out.
I let out a sigh as I slid out of the truck. “I think we said everything last night.”
Since I was looking at the ground, I could see his hands curling into fists. “No, we didn’t…and there’s still the issue of Victoria.”
I pursed my lips as I shut the door, then walked past him. “Fine, talk then.”
He followed me to the house, waiting quietly as I unlocked the front door, then following me into the living room. I set my bag down next to the couch before turning to face him, folding my arms in front of my chest.
“Okay, I’m listening,” I said.
He didn’t even hesitate to say what he needed to say. “No matter what happens, the pack is still running patrols like we said we would. And someone is always out there watching you and the house, we won’t let Victoria get to you.”
I nodded. “Okay, got it.”
When he didn’t say anything else, I glanced up at him. “Is that it?”
He stared at me, that mask I had seen before…the one I had called his Sam mask, was back.
“No, it’s not.”
I didn’t say anything else. I simply waited for the rest of what he had to say.
It took a few more minutes before he finally spoke again.
“We…I need to know…are you going to college?”
My head snapped up at that as my gaze connected with his. “What?”
His nostrils flared. “You heard me.”
I swallowed. “I…I don’t know.”
He ran an agitated hand through his hair. “Look Bella, I saw the brochures in your room.”
“They’re just brochures…”
“And I heard the conversation you had with your mom in Florida.”
I froze. So, he had heard us after all. I had wondered for a brief moment, but had let it go quickly. Too quickly it seemed.
“So, when were you going to tell me Bella?”
I looked down at the carpet. “Why would it matter now?”
I heard a soft growl before he answered. “For one, you can’t go anywhere so long as Victoria is after you since the pack can’t protect you if you leave! And…and it matters to me…because I’m not giving up on us!”
I closed my eyes. “Jake…”
“No!” he snapped. “You need to listen to me, Bells. I. Am. Not. Giving. Up. On. Us!”
I pushed past the lump in my throat. “You can still…imprint.”
“I won’t!” came his quick answer.
“You don’t know that,” I whispered.
“I know it. I feel it! And you need to believe me! Don’t you get it? I’ve fought too long and too hard for you, Bells! And I won’t let some stupid mythical nonsense tear us apart! I won’t!”
I couldn’t say anything at first. His heated words floated around us, but I had nothing to say to that. He could believe that he wouldn’t imprint on someone, but I wasn’t so sure of that. I also knew that if I let myself get any deeper into him, it would really hurt when he finally did imprint. He could swear he wouldn’t leave, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. My heart wouldn’t survive it.
“Please,” he said, in a slightly lower voice. “Please, give us a chance, Bells. I know we can make it work. I know I can fight against an imprint.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Jacob. I can’t. I just…can’t.”
There was another long silence before he snapped. “And the fact that I love you, means nothing to you?”
I took a deep breath, tightening my arms around my chest. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t tell you I love you? Don’t tell you that you’re killing me by not even trying to fight this with me? God, we haven’t even had the chance to be together and you’re already running!”
“I’m still here Jake.”
“You know what I mean!” he snapped. “You’re going to go away to college. You’re going to just leave without even so much as a goodbye! Why is it that you could always throw yourself so easily into him, but you can’t do it for me?”
“You don’t understand, Jacob, it’s not the same.”
“No, it isn’t! At least I can still say that I’m human!”
I couldn’t take it anymore. All of his pushing was starting to wear on me and that, combined with the pain in my chest, made me snap.
“No, you can’t! It’s the non-human part of you that’s the problem! You can stand there and promise me all you want, but you and I both know you won’t be able to resist the imprint! You won’t! And I refuse to become what I was before! I refuse to be dragged back down into that hole that he shoved me into! If I have to go away to college to make something of myself, to be whole again, then that’s what I’ll do! He tried to control me and I will not be controlled again! Not even by you!”
As I finally stopped ranting, Jacob stood gaping at me. I took deep breaths, trying to find some semblance of sanity again. The pain in my chest still throbbed, bringing me slowly back to earth until I had wrapped my arms around my chest again.
Jacob noticed it and took a step towards me. “Bells…”
I held up a hand to stop him. “No! Just…look, we’ve said all we can say. It doesn’t change anything, okay? I can’t do this with you anymore. Just go before we hurt each other any more than we already have.”
“You can’t leave, Bella.”
“I know, Jake. I’ll be here one more year. Hopefully the pack can get rid of Victoria before the time is up.”
Jacob stared at me. I knew that wasn’t what he was talking about, but I refused to go there again. Nothing was going to change, that issue would always be there so long as he remained part of a wolf pack. I also knew that now wasn’t the time to talk about the friendship we had before all of this. We may have told each other that no matter what, we’d still be friends, yet somehow I didn’t think even our friendship could survive this.
Still, that conversation was for another time…another time when we were not so hurt and angry with ourselves or each other.
I swallowed again, trying to keep my voice steady. “You should go now. I’ll…I’ll talk to you later. Just know that I’m not going anywhere just yet.”
“Bella…”
“Jacob!” I snapped, a little more harsher than I’d wanted. I took another breath and made my way to the door. Opening it, I looked up at him.
“Goodbye, Jake.”
I watched as his hands quickly balled into fists again. He glared at me for a moment before stalking towards the door. Just before he stepped outside, he turned to look at me. As his eyes met mine, I saw the anger fade away until there was nothing but hurt left behind.
“I love you,” he breathed. “I’ll always love you. No matter what you believe, I want you to know that it will always be you.”
And with those words, he left me alone again.
******************************************
(Jacob’s POV)
“Fuck!” I exclaimed as I drove my bike into La Push.
Ever since I had left Bella’s house I had worked myself up from being hurt to angry and back again. Currently I was stuck at angry. So angry I was practically foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.
When I was around Bella, I tried to keep my cursing to a minimum, but after hanging around this long with the wolf pack, it was easy to pick up bad habits. Not that I didn’t have bad habits before, but now they seemed worse. Guess it had to do with the angry wolf gene bouncing around in my body.
Whatever it was, I found myself cursing loudly, the closer I got to home. I cursed the unknown for coming up with the imprinting thing. I cursed the Cullens for coming here and messing up my life and Bella’s. I cursed Bella for not taking a chance on me. And I cursed myself for loving her so much.
I was still silently cursing everything under the sun by the time I’d parked my bike in front of my house, but at least I wasn’t trembling with the urge to phase anymore. I was glad that I was so much better at controlling it now, but the irony was that all it took to calm me down were thoughts of Bella…or her touch.
I hadn’t told her that, but I knew it was true. One touch from her and my wolf was calm, go figure. It made me wonder though, if she was the one thing my wolf calmed to, there had to be a reason for that, right? I just wish I knew what it was.
Taking a deep breath, thinking of her once more, I made my way inside and headed to my bedroom. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I put my head in my hands and began to silently beg for what I wanted.
I wished Bella would believe me when I told her that I wouldn’t imprint on anyone else, ever. I had no idea how to make her believe me, but I know deep down inside of me that it’s true. It’s my wolf that tells me so, I can feel it. None of the pack believes what I feel, but I believe it and for me, it’s enough.
I just wish I could find some way to get Bella to understand that she’s all I want. She’s it for me, I’ll never be with anyone else because she is all I see. She’s all my wolf sees. How could I possibly reassure her that she would never lose me?
I know that if I can’t make her understand what it’ll do to me if she leaves to go to college, if she leaves me altogether, things will get bad. I can feel it. And it gets worse every time I see her, breathe her in or feel her against me.
It’s so hard to explain even to myself, but every moment I spend in her presence, it’s like an invisible thread is somehow tying my soul to hers. The more time I spend with her, the stronger that thread gets. Yet I know, if she leaves and that thread breaks, it’ll devastate me to the point that I won’t be able to recover from it, emotionally or physically.
It’s that knowledge that scares me.
I know it’s not an imprint because it feels nothing like what Sam, Jared or even Quil have experienced, but whatever it is, it has the potential to not only destroy me, but my wolf side too. Yeah, it seems more dangerous than imprinting does.
I wish Bella wasn’t shutting me out so that I could tell her all of this, but she is. I hate that she’s doing this to us, because not only do I miss being with her, but I miss my best friend. I miss talking to her about everything that is on my mind. We had promised each other that no matter what, we would be honest with each other, so I want to keep that promise by telling her what is going on inside of me. But I know right now, she won’t hear any of it.
How can I possibly get her to just listen to me? How do I get her to get past the idea of imprinting so she can see that what we have is something stronger than that?
Scrubbing my face in frustration, I sit up and look around my room when I notice that my bag is still unpacked from our Florida trip. I decided to put Bella out of my mind for the moment so that I could unpack my bag.
I tossed the bag on my bed and began to rummage through its contents. Pulling out the clothes that needed to be put in the laundry, I tossed them into a pile on the floor, then put the other stuff on a pile on the bed.
The bag was nearly empty when I finally pulled out the package that Renee had given me right before Bella and I were coming back home from Florida. She had wrapped it like a present using newspaper as the gift wrap. I had to smile at that because it was definitely something I would do if I had to give a gift to someone.
I wondered what Renee could possibly want to give me since there wasn’t a special occasion for a gift for me. Sure, she had given Bella a gift, but it was for Bella’s graduation. I, on the other hand, had nothing to celebrate.
Still, my curiosity got the best of me so I quickly tore the newspaper wrapping apart only to discover a book inside. Well, at first I thought it was a book, until I looked closer and realized it was one of those things that people used to hold photographs in.
Why would I need something like that?
Opening the cover, I saw writing on the front page. In Memory of Sarah Black.
My eyes went wide as I began to flip through the pages of the book. Renee had somehow managed to collect and organize photographs of my mom and our family through the years. Photographs she must have taken herself, or someone else took them and gave them to her to keep.
I saw pictures of my mom and dad alone, then with Renee and Charlie. I saw my mom pregnant and glowing with my twin sisters, then pictures of her with the girls as babies. More pictures of mom, dad, Charlie, Renee and baby Bella.
And then I got to the pictures of my mom pregnant with me.
She was glowing again, like she had been with my sisters. Yet, her smile seemed wider than before. There was even something in her eyes, something that grew with each picture I looked at after that. As I saw pictures of her with me as a baby, then me at various ages, I knew what that look was.
Pride.
Love.
Anyone who looked at these could see how much she loved her family. How much she lived for all of us. Looking at all of these, I could now understand why Renee had said that I had my mother’s eyes. I could see myself in them. I could see myself in her.
My throat started to constrict over this gift that Renee had given me. Through Renee’s careful preservation, I was able to see various moments of my mom’s life from the early stages of her marriage to my dad, up to the early years of my life. I even saw how she was when she was around Renee, Charlie and even Bella.
As I looked at the pictures of Bella and I playing as children, with my mom in the background, the full force of it all hit me. In those pictures, my mom was smiling as if she knew a secret none of us would ever know. A secret that seemed to please her somehow.
I swallowed against the lump in my throat as I trailed a finger over my mom’s face, then moved to trace Bella’s. As my vision turned blurry, I could feel my lips trembling along with my legs. Slowly I crumbled to the floor, leaning against the side of the bed and crushed the book to my chest.
Pain over the loss of my mother ripped through me as I desperately wished Bella was here, right now. I wanted her to see this, to share these memories with me and comfort me as I continued to miss my mom. She would understand what I was feeling right now, I knew. She would know what I needed.
Closing my eyes, I let the silent tears trail down my face as I clutched the book tighter to me, trying to hold myself together the way I would see Bella do.
Mom, I thought, I miss you so much. I miss you…and I miss Bells.
As I let the pain drag me down into oblivion, one last thought came to me. I had already lost my mother…how the hell was I going to survive losing Bella?
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