Chapter 6: Realizations

The week passed quickly even after I quit at Newton’s and did nothing but hang out at home under the guise of studying for finals. They were still weeks away, but thankfully Charlie didn’t ask questions. I knew he wondered why I had suddenly quit working, but he had yet to confront me about it. Still, I knew I would have to talk to him about my future soon.

I had been lucky when quitting since I thought I would have to work at least two more weeks, but when I had given my written notice to Mrs. Newton she had asked why. Once I told her that I just needed to focus on my schoolwork because I had plans to go to college, she immediately began gushing over me and told me I could go ahead and leave now with a two weeks vacation worth of pay. According to her, my education was much more important than working at her little ‘ole tourist store.

I think she was saying that for Mike’s benefit since he had been standing nearby. I knew Mike didn’t really plan on doing much once he graduated. He had never been that interested in school and I had heard he just planned on going to the local junior college instead of a university like the rest of our group was doing.

Since I no longer had to work, I spent my time mulling over what I really wanted to do after high school. I began going through brochure after brochure, trying to find something that interested me. While I loved to read, I just couldn’t see myself as a teacher given the fact that I still had to deal with a lot of supernaturally weird things in my life. It just wouldn’t be right to have a classroom full of children under my care when my life always seemed to be on the line.

I looked online for other jobs I could do that catered to the book lover in me, but again nothing really stood out. Truthfully, I loved reading for the pleasure of it so I couldn’t see myself ruining that by becoming something like an editor or a critic. The closest thing I could see myself as was a librarian, but even then I knew I would probably spend my time there just reading instead of doing my job.

Cooking was also a leisure thing for me, just like reading was so I couldn’t see myself making a career out of it either. Like housekeeping, cooking was a kind of therapy for me. A time when I let my mind think things through or simply let it relax.

After a while I gave up looking, thinking if I took a break and came back to it later maybe something would occur to me then. So in the meantime, I went back to my usual things like reading books and doing homework. Anything to pass the time I spent alone at the house while Jacob was busy with his schedule.

And he was busy.

On Monday, I had received a text from him before school. He said he was still feeling jet-lagged and asked if I was too. After school he had sent another text that he missed me already and would call when he got off from patrolling. The phone call lasted all of five minutes because even his voice was dragging and he still had some homework to do.

Tuesday was much the same way between us. It was also the day I gave up thinking of college careers for a bit and returned to my usual pastimes. By Wednesday, I was running out of books to read but forced myself to find other things in the house to focus on.

I was not going to become the old me, needing my boyfriend to come spend time with me so I wouldn’t grow bored. Edward and I had rarely spent time apart once we had started dating and that had been unhealthy for me. I had become too dependent on him, as if I needed him to justify my reason for living.

I didn’t want that to happen with Jacob, so I did my best to keep myself occupied until Jacob could come see me. I figured I wouldn’t see him until Friday, if I was lucky. Imagine my surprise when I got a call from him Wednesday, sometime after ten that night. I was just settling into bed in my tank top and fuzzy shorts with a book when my phone buzzed.

“Hello?”

“Hey Bells,” came Jacob’s tired voice.

“Jake! Shouldn’t you be getting some sleep?”

I heard him sigh. “Yeah, I will…I just…could you open your window?”

I scrambled out of bed, nearly getting tangled in the sheets, and shoved aside the curtains to see Jacob standing in his usual spot beneath the tree. Turning off my phone, I tossed it onto my nightstand then opened the window and leaned out.

“Jake, you even look tired!” I whispered. “Don’t you think this is dangerous?”

He shook his head. “I’m coming up.”

I sighed as I backed up and waited for him to slide into my room, quiet as ever. As soon as his feet hit the floor, I was tugging him towards my bed.

“You look like you can barely stand,” I mumbled as I pushed him down onto the mattress.

He pulled me down with him, trying to tuck us both under the sheets.

“Jacob!” I hissed, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to get some sleep,” he mumbled sleepily. “Come on, turn around, Bells. I’m too tired to wrestle with you.”

I gaped at him. “If you’re this tired why didn’t you just go home?”

He sighed as he went still and looked me in the eyes. “I couldn’t sleep last night, even with jet lag. Too worried about Victoria…and you. So tonight, I’m here.”

“What about your homework? Or your stuff for school in the morning?”

“Homework was done earlier. I’ll make time to go home in the morning to get ready for school.”

When I simply stared  at him, he ran his hand down my arm. “Please Bella? Just let me stay here tonight. I’ll be out of here before Charlie is up.”

I sighed and ran my hand through his hair as his eyes drooped some more. I knew it would be a bad idea to send him home in the state he was in.

Giving him a kiss on his forehead, I whispered, “Get some sleep, Jake.”

Then I turned to shut off the lamp before settling into Jacob’s arms. Jacob was already fast asleep before I laid my head next to his. I followed moments later.

******************************************

I didn’t see Jacob again until Friday night after his patrolling duties since I had woken up to an empty bed on Thursday morning. There were a few texts and very short phone calls before then, but he had let me know as soon as he was done patrolling on Friday, he was going home for a shower before coming over to my house.

Charlie was working late that night, so I made dinner just for Jacob and I. The simple meal of burgers and fries was waiting for him by the time he bounded into the house and swept me into his arms for a deep kiss. I smiled at the way he lifted me up so that I was literally dangling in his embrace, with only my arms around his shoulders for support.

My smile turned into a moan as he slid his tongue into my mouth, kissing me as if making up for the lost time. Like always, I lost myself in Jacob’s kiss even ignoring the sudden feel of the back of my legs against the kitchen counter. He moved his hands to grip my waist in order to settle me on the countertop. I buried a hand in his hair as he cupped my face, tilting my head back to kiss his way down my throat.

“Mmm, you smell good Bells…and taste good too.” The last was said as he licked the skin over my pulse.

I groaned. “Maybe…maybe you should have dinner.”

He nipped at my ear. “Can I have you first?”

I swallowed at the husky tone he just used, it was much different than before. Deeper with a hint of yearning. I don’t remember ever wanting to melt and offer myself up as his meal this badly before. I struggled to find my voice as his tongue traced the shell of my ear and his warm hands moved beneath my shirt.

“J...Jake. Please!”

His hands ghosted over my ribs, fingers brushing the undersides of my breasts while his mouth found the sweet spot behind my ear and sucked on it.

“Please what?” he murmured.

I forgot what I was trying to say as I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him closer to me. He wasn’t kissing my lips, but I was gasping for air as I clung to him. I felt like I was being swept away by a fierce wave in the shape of Jacob Black. I could do nothing but hang limply as I felt soft lips and warm hands move over my skin.

My hands moved to clasp his biceps as his mouth moved from my ear to my shoulder, but when his tongue swirled over my collarbone, I suddenly needed more. I needed to feel his skin beneath my own lips and hands.

Reaching down, I began tugging at his shirt, trying to get it off of him so I could touch him the way he was touching me. As I pulled back to lift the shirt over his head, he suddenly blinked as if coming out of a daze.

“Bella?” he whispered, even as I continued to tug at his shirt.

“Take it off!” I whimpered.

He grabbed my wrists, effectively stopping my movements while making me frown at him.

“What?” I grumbled.

He suddenly smiled. “Are you seriously interested in making out with me right here on the kitchen countertop?”

This time I paused as his words sunk in. Then I blushed as I realized he was right, this wasn’t like me at all. Wasn’t I supposed to be panicking?

He chuckled. “Ah, there’s my girl.”

I rolled my eyes. “You started it!”

He nodded as he leaned in to press a quick kiss against my lips. “Yeah I did, but I really thought you were going to push me away.”

I couldn’t help the growl that escaped as I folded my arms over my chest, although I couldn’t tell if it was for him or for me. “Well, I didn’t and you did.”

He smiled. “Mm, I did. So, maybe I should eat the dinner you made for me, now.”

“Yeah, you should.” I grumbled, still miffed.

He leaned in to whisper into my ear. “Then I’ll have you for dessert in your room.”

I shuddered as he licked my ear, then blushed as he moved away from me to serve himself some burgers and fries. I caught the grin he wore before he turned away from me and couldn’t help grinning too despite my blush.

When did he get so good at making me swoon? Then again, when did I stop wanting to push him away? Wasn’t it just a week ago that I was having issues with getting close to him?

I shook my head as I slid gracefully off of the counter. Oh well, the past didn’t matter. What mattered was that I wanted to be close to him and I hoped that feeling continued. There was no way either of us were going to be happy if I returned to pushing him away.

I prayed I didn’t regress.

We sat in the kitchen eating our dinner. I ate all of my burger and a few fries in the time it took Jacob to eat four burgers and two helpings of fries. Once we were done, I put away my leftovers while Jacob washed the dishes then we headed upstairs since it was nearing midnight and we were both getting sleepy.

I gathered up my night clothes and went to change in the bathroom while Jacob waited for me in my bedroom. It only took me a few minutes to do my nightly routine and change my clothes, so I wasn’t expecting much once I returned to my room. Yet once I walked through the door, I came to a standstill.

Jacob had turned off all of the lights except the lamp on my nightstand. Its light was muted by the scarf he had thrown over it, but there was still plenty of light for me to see him lying in my bed.

Shirtless.

Under the covers.

In. My. Bed.

I swallowed heavily. While I wanted to move forward with him, I didn’t want to go that far all at once, so I prayed that the shirt was the only thing he had taken off.

He gave me his smile and patted the space besides him.

“Come to bed, honey,” he said in that same husky voice he’d used earlier.

I melted…and began obeying that voice. Even while my mind was screaming at me to run the other way, my body moved towards the bed and slid in besides him when he lifted the covers. He wrapped his arms around me and settled me into his chest as he laid back. With our bodies so close together, I could tell he didn’t have on his khaki shorts.

Only his boxers.

I struggled to breathe. “J…Jake.”

He ran his fingers lightly down my arm, my body responded with goosebumps.

He kissed the top of my head before taking a deep breath. I knew he was inhaling my scent like he often did. His fingers moved back up my arm to brush my hair behind my shoulders.

“So, what did your mom get you for graduation? Or have you opened your gift yet?” he asked.

While his tone seemed more nonchalant than before there was still a hint of yearning to it. I knew better than to let my guard down. He was trying to distract me from his true intent, I just didn’t know what it was yet.

I went ahead and answered him. “A check and two picture frames. She said to put my graduation picture in both frames and then send one to her and put the other one somewhere in the house for Charlie.”

Jacob chuckled. “Wow, who would have thought she would be looking out for Charlie after all this time.”

I shrugged against his chest. “Renee can still surprise me from time to time, but I think she still cares for Charlie even though she’s not in love with him anymore. She told me to take the check and open a savings account with it. To save up for my future, she said.”

“Hm, sounds like a good idea.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “So, what did she give you?”

He sighed as he played with the strands of my hair. “Actually, I haven’t had a chance to open it yet. Even my bag hasn’t been unpacked. I’ve just been too busy or too tired to dig into my bag.”

“Oh.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes and when I was certain Jacob wasn’t going to elaborate, I asked him another question.

“So, how’s Quil doing?”

He tensed for a fraction of a second before breaking out into nervous laughter. “He seems to be enjoying almost every moment of this! I think he’s the only one of us who really likes being a wolf. Embry said he thought it was because he was finally able to be friends with us again, part of the group, but it’s more than that. We can see it in Quil’s mind when we’re phased.”

I lifted my head to look into his eyes. “You’re still not really enjoying being a wolf, I take it.”

He looked off into the distance and I could see all sorts of thoughts whirling around in his eyes. It was then that I knew he hadn’t told me everything. There was still so much more that I didn’t know, something inside of me told me that was so. Pushing my sleepiness aside, I sat up and gave him a determined stare.

“What is it?”

He still wasn’t looking at me. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

“Jake?” I asked, in what I hoped was just a curious voice and not full of the dread I was starting to feel.

He ran a hand through his hair before turning to look at me, sadness and worry in his eyes. “It’s just…I know I said it was better now that you know what I am, but what I am is still…dangerous for you.”

I shook my head. “No it isn’t!”

I took his hands in mine. “I know the signs Jake. I know what to look for. And you are stronger than you think you are. I trust you, you know. I know you can control yourself around me and you won’t hurt me.”

He closed his eyes and let out the breath he had been holding. “Bells… there’s…there’s still more about being a wolf that I haven’t told you.”

I frowned. “More that you’re finding out?”

I remembered that he had mentioned once that the pack was still discovering things that had been long since forgotten or never recorded.

He shook his head. “We sorta knew about this…but we didn’t think it was something to worry about…”

His voice trailed off. I hesitated for a moment before I prompted him.

“What happened?” I knew something had to happen for this to be a concern.

Jacob grimaced.

I gave his hands an encouraging squeeze. “Just tell me, Jacob. We’ll deal with it together, just like you said.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it. I could tell he was still trying to figure out how to tell me whatever it was. Finally, he blinked and looked straight at me as if it suddenly became clear to him.

“Okay, I think I need to start at the beginning for it to make any sense.”

I simply nodded, not wanting to interrupt him.

“It…it starts with Sam. His life…it was so different before he became a wolf. He was even dating someone different than Emily for a while.”

My eyes widened. I had somehow believed Sam and Emily were always together, they seemed that close to each other.

Jacob noticed my reaction and nodded. “He was dating Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter. They met when she was a Freshman and he was a Sophomore and dated for about three years. Then when Leah was a Junior, her plans began to change. She wanted to go to college, leave the area, but Sam didn’t. It got to be an issue between them and they realized they were growing apart, so they broke up.

This was just before Sam became a wolf. They broke up, even though Sam was still in love with Leah, then a couple of weeks later Sam disappeared. Most people thought he left because he was devastated over losing Leah…”

I swallowed, I knew the truth. “It was because he became a wolf.”

“Yeah, he had phased and since he was the first in a long time, he was alone. He had no idea what was happening and couldn’t phase back into a human for two weeks. When he came back, everyone thought he had gotten over Leah. Even Leah herself thought so. Only the council knew different…then so did Jared and Paul.”

I nodded again as I absorbed the information, but I still couldn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying. “So I guess Sam met Emily after he became a wolf?”

Jacob shook his head. “Actually, he’d known Emily before that. See, she’s Leah’s cousin and they are really close, like best friend close. So Sam had met her a few times while he was dating Leah.”

I gasped. “Really? Gosh, it must be awkward for Leah now that Sam and Emily are dating.”

Once more Jacob looked away as his voice became softer, almost a whisper. “Not really, Leah’s going away to college soon…and Sam and Emily are engaged.”

“Wow!” I breathed.

He turned to look at me and I could feel the way his hands tightened their grip on mine. “There was a bonfire…you know how our tribe loves bonfires. Emily was down visiting Leah, so they both were there…and so was Sam. He took one look at Emily and…”

He stopped there, unable to say more. I watched as he stared into my eyes, hopelessness and fear blazing into mine. A sliver of coldness ran down my spine. Something inside me told me to run, to stop him from saying anymore.

Unfortunately the masochist in me wasn’t listening.

“And?” I prompted.

He squeezed my hands some more as he clenched his jaw. “And he… imprinted… on Emily.”

I shook my head. “What…what does that mean?”

The rest was hissed through gritted teeth. “It’s a wolf thing. Imprinting is what happens when a wolf sees his mate for the first time after he has phased. There’s… a bond… that suddenly connects him to his mate. He’ll do anything, be anything for her. She becomes his… reason for living and everything else becomes second to her.”

He went silent, searching my eyes for a reaction.

I was still trying to make sense of it all. “But you said Sam knew Emily through Leah.”

“He wasn’t a wolf then. He didn’t imprint until after he phased.”

“Oh. So…so you knew about this when you became a wolf?”

He nodded. “Sam was already with Emily by then, but we were told it was a rare thing.”

I inhaled sharply. “Someone else… imprinted.”

He looked away. “Kim isn’t just Jared’s girlfriend.”

I frowned. I knew that meant both Sam and Jared had imprinted on someone before Jacob had become a wolf, but that was then. What about now?

My heart stopped in my chest as Jacob turned to me and whispered the news. “And just this week… Quil imprinted… on Claire. Emily’s two year old cousin.”

I gaped at him. “What?”

He scowled. “It’s the only thing Quil doesn’t like about being a wolf. Just when he was finally a part of the group, of something so big… he gets the wind knocked out of his sails.”

“Gosh, poor Quil,” I lamented, until Jacob’s next words knocked the air out of my lungs.

“That’s three wolves imprinting so close together. It hasn’t been heard of before. And it’s made the rest of us nervous.”

This time I had nothing to say to that. My hands went limp in his as I realized what he wasn’t saying.

He could be next.

My Jacob could imprint on someone other than me… because he hadn’t imprinted on me after he had phased, like Sam had with Emily. I knew that was the truth because if he had, he would have told me all of this earlier and it wouldn’t have put the fear and hopelessness in his eyes the way it was now.

That second hole in my chest, the one that had begun opening back when I first thought I had lost Jacob when he was first phasing, began to throb again. Instinctively I tugged my hands from his and wrapped my arms around my middle, just like I used to.

Jacob noticed this and reached out for me. I flinched away, but he was persistent, finally grabbing my forearms and pulling me to him. His face was inches from mine. His eyes boring into mine, refusing to let me go.

“Listen to me Bella! You know how I feel about you! You know! The other three imprinted not long after becoming a wolf, it’s been almost two months since I first phased and it hasn’t happened to me yet!”

I shook my head. “You just haven’t met her yet!”

“And I never will!”

Again I shook my head as I tried to pull out of his grasp. It was futile because Jacob was not only stubborn, but he was also a supernatural werewolf.

“Bells, please! I love you! Don’t you get it? I only ever see you!”

I was beginning to hyperventilate as more realizations popped into my head.

“You knew this!” I screeched. “You knew this all along and still you pursued me!”

“I didn’t think it was a problem then! I’ve been in love with you forever!”

Tears began falling down my cheeks and I was helpless to stop them. Jacob’s eyes widened at the sight of them.

“Bells…”

“You promised!” I choked out past the tears. “You promised, Jacob!”

His own eyes were misty as he answered me. “I’m still here, honey! I’m not leaving!”

I wiped my cheek as I slowly nodded. “Not yet…but you will.”

“No, Bella…”

I swallowed. “Just go.”

His hands loosened at my words, allowing me to slip out of his grasp. I got to my feet and walked to my bedroom door, pulling it open before turning to him with an upraised chin.

“Go Jacob.”

He didn’t move as his eyes pleaded with me. “You don’t mean that.”

I nodded. “It’s better this way, before it goes too far. Before…” I can’t let go, I thought.

He still didn’t move. I knew he was trying to break me down, but I knew if I didn’t let him go now, I would never be able to. And it would hurt worse in the end, far worse then it already was.

Slowly, he rose from the bed, pulled on his shorts, picked up the rest of his things and walked towards me. As he neared, he started to say something, but I shook my head and whispered.

“Just go… please.”

I could see the resignation in his eyes as he turned away from me and finally walked out of my room. I walked to the edge of the stairs and waited until I heard the front door close, signaling his absence.

With that sound, I began to wrap my arms around my middle again but shook my head against it. I was not going to become the girl I was once before. I would not fall back into such a pitiful state.

But I could still grieve.

I walked back into my room, shut the door and curled up into a fetal position on my bed before I realized it was the same spot Jacob had just vacated. It still smelled like him and his warmth from the sheets soaked into my body, triggering the release of my pain. I wrapped my arms around the pillow he’d been lying on and buried my face in it, muffling the cries that erupted from my chest. I let the pain overwhelm me, let it all come out.

I told myself I would allow myself only this night to grieve. After that, I would get up and go on with my life.

A life without Jacob Black, my best friend. My love.